One would never have guessed what brought about the changes. Her mind had been made up. She had reached the point that there would be no more. Her next plans would take her far away- from the pain, from her joys, from those most precious to her…yet it seemed this was what she needed to do to come together,and have her kids in the best place for them at this point. Few would understand her decisions and fewer still would forgive her for them. Yet there she was all of a sudden having had that conversation with her youngest about how , no matter what he says to her, this is not, this will not be her dog, our dog, her home, our home…no matter how good his intentions, he’s proven over and again that he cannot keep up that end of things that he wants to make happen for them but won’t.There they were in the car and just as she says,” No matter what I am not going to allow myself to get attached. I just can’t do it anymore.” The words no sooner left her lips than she felt a gentle but firm pressure on her left shoulder. As she turned her head so slightly, their eyes met and there in a split second, she knew her heart had gone already. From that moment on she knew her heart was again placed in a most vulnerable position- both with this dog and with this man. There would be a number of times she would revisit this moment. Still found herself again moving forward in the relationship, in her work, career . In a few years later they bought a house, got married. It was around that time another piece of undone existence of something he sworn had been done surfaced. She felt sick. She felt it but had told herself that man he became wouldn’t bring that…her…back into their lives- or had she ever really left? Not this bullshit drama again. She couldn’t.. She wouldn’t go through it again. Her heart ripped further to think of leaving this dog – just as badly as in thinking of taking her from him. There would be no good action here. Sure more promises… this time her heart was not coming together. She determined to stay no matter what. It made the most financial sense and she was done forcing herself further down the abyss of poverty because of her emotional self sabatouge. When her resolve weakened, she would think of the animals when it felt to hard to make it one more day. Time went by basically had become roommates. Truth be told that seemed true before the last large blow out.Had it ever been right since reconciling? Had he tried to wash himself of her feel, the memories of her? It was washing over a woman who gave all of herself to someone who didn’t seem to want that. She began to hate herself as much as it seemed he hated her. She no longer cared. He felt she was unlovable and would try to re-establish a romance but it was not to be. WHy not? the cat died and the dog’s heart was broken. Another dog was brought in to help her heal. This brought back memories of when the other one had died- when she was left to bury their pet with 2 broken hearted daughters while he enjoyed a “business” trip, a weekend with his secretary again- the mistress. He resented any reference to that time- as though it was a one time lapse in judgement. He never git what it was like for her- probably because he couldn’t do it- or maybe because it tarnished his armor to think of himself as anything less than a knight in shining armor.
The years became less kind to her. Her health took a deep dive into a chronic progressive disease. More dogs came into the home . Her struggle worsened and he now stood by his not having a marriage with romance because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings….oh no , that was the reason he gave that they couldn’t speak of why things became that way. She was fighting for everything in her life. She signed over basiclly everything financially to him- his decisions. He spent all of her settlements on the house- having again promised to set up the kids with some sort of accounts and to pay off a long standing dental bill that he had used the money for something else for years ago. Yes, she left him do it and for that shame on her.
Tragedy befell them as the oldest greyhound, the first, his Wisper, became seriously ill one night and at the appointment at vet’s it was determined she be euthanized. The main thrust was that if she hadn’t been ill, then Wisper could have been given weeks to see if she would ever improve- but she wasn’t well. Wisper’s fate was sealed. He wouldn’t admit that he never got over the loss of his love. Perhaps because she had been a gem from what was once. Perhaps because without her, he too felt less of a bond with this woman. He felt even less motivation to get along with her kids. He felt less- except for his lost dog. She felt his pain and was helpkess in saving him from it. This was thr end of a time together unique to those involved. It was a different trio… of was it? SHe’d never know. Years later her illness worsening and becoming more than one diagnosis. He never really dove in to discover what was happening to her. He seemed uninterested- didn’t look to how to help other her other than make changes in the house.
Her symptoms continue to slide. There is great concern- well to drs and her daughters and niece, but not to him as to what is happening to her in terms of cognitive function at night. It’s more than the bits of forgetfulness now. He didn’t know what these other occurances were about or why they were/are scary and what is happening to his wife. Maybe the distance he keeps growing between thim is to spare him sadness or decisions. Soon they may well be thrusted upon him. She looks around the room that looked so foreign earlier this week when she woke up one day. He didn’t know. SHe didn’t share it. She has to wonder if he is waiting to have her placed- freeing him.
Valentine’s Day and the usual gifts. which used to bring her to tears. She was left with a heartache at things she couldn’t talk with him about. She couldn’t begin to explain. And he didn’t care. He didn’t bring up that he was given nothing. A breakfast which to her was an accomplishment- the significance was lost to him. He had no clue. And if she pointed out what it took and why it meant something to her, she would just be reminded that it didn’t mean that to him.
He had no clue how it hurt her to not feel that warmth in her chest at the gifts. She couldn’t tell him any of it as she listened to his seeing how beautiful the dogs were. How another photo of more doge was brought in. She wondered if he’d even remember her other than a story of how he saw his “sacrifice” of staying with her had been, He doesn’t know and likely won’t- not in this lifetime.