When so much hangs in the balance, we tend to look about the prospects hoping the positives will bring us home. But there are times that no matter how hard you strain to hear what you hope, the words never come through. It is in those times we are left to find a way to lift ourselves up.
i’m not stupid. The changes in his voice come through loud and clear. His denying protests lack that ring of sincerity. It is no wonder- but there is heartbreak. We are not that old . We could be alive in every manner of speaking. That is not the life he wants, he pretends.
Still these thoughts run through my mind. I am not proud of them. And the fact that he has not left seem to be what is to keep me from wanting anything more in this relationship. Maybe that should be what I find as satisfying- but I don’t. I feel like a hideous ugly burden that he disdains any time I seem to look for anything in a marriage other than friendship- or a roommate. My heart breaks again. Do I speak again with him to see what he thinks- but I already know. He doesn’t care that this is how I feel. He was saying that this is how it is and will be. ALot is left unspoken…but truly has been said.