SO having just written a carefully composed post on this, then sluggishly start to dose off with my fingers still on the keyboard. Yes you guessed it. I did not waste any time in managing to erase it Now that alone could be bad enough except that I did that very thing last nice- Baraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- night
This is frustrating and occurs more frequently than we used to happen. Maybe this get up when my body says so may be lacking as a solution to living purposefully. I spent years working night shifts, had babies for years. I worked more evening shifts then stayed up til my body said ,”Okay sleep.” That wasn’t any too quickly usually. I have 4 greyhounds that are special needs and they get up to go out or bark or be confused in turns throughout the night. And not the least of which is that they (“They are always busy finding out things for us.”) have found many Parkinson’s patients get up at 3 AM. I have done this for a long while now. WHile there are times I can go right back to bed and fall asleep, many times I choose to stay awake. It just feels right usually. ( I also remember getting up at 4 AM to see my husband off when he left for PT and work in the Army, at Fort Polk, LA.
Add to that the usual things that interfere with a person’s sleep, like their kiddos, like the stress of worries, finances, work and you’re left kind of wondering why any of us can sleep.ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ha! Another of those functional glitches!! Gotta love it- not at all.
SO I began to wonder why Parkinson’s would cause a person to awaken at a specific memory? no time. I thought I would leave some of the challenges I find in writing, speaking or otherwise Continue through out a day with me and you’ll find word glitching, using wrong words- at times not able to pick it up (the right words that is). I once heard that we sleep to be ready- at least our ancestors did going way back to when humans evolved they say. Now in Parkinson’s there is a distinct motor function disorder. There are however effects outside of those parameters Affecting ability to walk and balance, to use hands in coordinated manner-although my ms affects these things as well but not necessarily in the same manner,There are resting tremors with Parkinson’s, and intentional tremors with ms. This can leave a girl feeling a tad self conscious. There is the speech affected by both. There are muscle stiffening, muscle spasms and muscle weakening. There is my messed up vision from ms (optic neuritis that left permanent damage), macular thinning and flattening. There are elimination issues but we need not get into those at this moment. There are peripheral neuropathies, paresthesias, numbness and all kinds of pains much of the waking hours. The requip helps calm some of that angsty edgy, pressure,squeezing, feeling like I have to keep moving to release that pent up energy or whatever causes it. But some days more than others and when the next dose is due one’s body tells them this. So why with all of this would a person wake up regularly in the middle of the night?Perhaps it’s how I seem to have become fit for the company I have at those hours- pretty much myself. I can be at ease with myself, not trying to stop the shaking. It’s good for me of course, in an isolationist kind of way. But given all of this- between the low vision and such, I don’t get around too quickly now. Perhaps this is to give me the edge I need to hold my own against a predator or an interloper.
Truth be told I don’t know why it is- probably related to whatever the brain needs to do at that time to keep the dopamine production going, direct it where to go, whatever the brain wants or needs to do at those hours. There’s the life questions that people dealing with chronic progressive disease can’t help but think about at times. If you don’t do it then, you can find it flopping itself into this awareness here that plants itself in the center of conversation and attention. I hate that. I think besides the affect on the nerves that go to the facial muscles, there is the overwhelming feelings that weigh on a lover, a friend. There are bigger issues than so far so good, I’ll just bring a diaper instead of wearing it right now. (Now there’s something sure to kill your love life… suck the romance right out of your relationship.) These things can get you awake and keep you there. You think of what will happen to those you love on this journey with you. Part of you wants to embrace them 24/7 while another part of you pushes gently to release the from being trapped in this with you. Yes I know the whole part of love …being there through the hard times as well as the good ones. But this is a marathon. PArt of not wanting to be a burden is also not wanting for your loved ones to be looking at their watches ,tapping their feet waiting for that moment of release, that huge sense of relief when I take my last breath. Ha! How’s that for selfish? I don’t want them to be too anxious for that time. You know , I have even caught myself measuring someone up thinking that they would be ideal for him after I am gone… then I realize that they are perfect for him now. I think of how maybe it is time to do that act of selflessness and release him now so he doesn’t have to go through all of it with me.. He could just move on. When I see those moments in his eyes where he’s engaged in talking and laughing with someone else, I feel that I ought to love him enough to do that. Time will tell.