I always bought into the concept and allure of island living. Moving to South Jersey was along those lines after nursing school. SOmehow within a few years I rebounded halfway around this country. Those were the days when I rose to the call of spontaneity, It was a time when fearless comes to mind as I look back now. I wasn’t,,,fearless that is. I dreaded the possibility of not getting this life right. I dreaded thinking I was missing my chance at it,. living with my eyes closed. The greatest fear to me then was finding myself at the end of a journey being unable to change a thing and having done nothing at all. It is a fear I would come to know quite intimately. It would become a companion rarely to leave my side,
During the years with children underfoot, there were times I wondered what life would be like when they were grown and I couldn’t imagine the time when they would be gone. That day came, making its presence so loudly known this year. They weren’t all here together. And when everyone had left, the silence was deafening. It seemed all the holiday friends and family came in a rush of wind, whirled in together and moved on just as quickly as they came in. The effect left me feeling as though i were living on an island. The vacationers, had their fill of holiday fare before hurling on their way into their own futures. This was the first an island did not beckon me to stay longer.
I think of the improvements visiting from the new meds ad wonder how long the new effects will stay. i am feeling more and more isolated when actually I would think I would be feeling less bound by the borders oftime and place. Yet I am. The fact remains no matter how many conversations, or long distance feeds I read, no matter the books I read or the music I make. I am still quite alone- with 4 canines for company.The mountain is calling for me to visit- but the wet leaves would be slippery – not something I could pull off on my own without there being some tell tale signs- some bruises. a new limp.
I don’t know how but i will fly higher than I ever dreamt before.