AH while a lot of the country is pummelled by the poplar vortex storms…our area got mostly rain and while cold wasn’t even in the teens. Today I am a few days into the upped dose of the med for Parkinson’s. Hard to say whether the dizziness is from the meds or the condition – or from my ms. Like I said not so different- only things have a label. A few symptoms unique to one or the other of the diseases. All in all I am very tired. DOn’t know which or if all have a hand in that. There are certain parts of this whole process that are tiring and contrary to all we have ever been taught about how a person with an illness or injury functions. It is SO up and down. I had a hard time explaining it to my neurologists. ANd with ms going into progressive state for a long time I didn’t know if it was just part of the falling baseline. Now I can see parts of the symptoms rear their head significantly after my meds kick in – and the worsening after doses wear off. The swirling in my head is something I would tell the doctors about and my family. It’s not the kind of thing they can imagine because it isn’t the type of thing that stops much. That affects my balance, my vision, my coordination, my appetite. There’s so much going on right now physically. I am straining to hang onto the other things in life- to concentrate on the living and not on my health.
I am determined to find where my path is to take me. The more I search it seems clearer to me that where it will take me is wherever I direct my footsteps. Of course trying to figure that out is more difficult than it sounds. I could for most of my life talk myself in and out of nearly any decision or choice. It seemed that my rationalization skills have exceeded the usefulness of any such ability. Now my ability to choose something and stay on target with my focus is really challenged. It takes me forever to make up my mind,,,and I can second and third and fourth guess any and all decisions. I wasn’t always this way. I remember being able to make choices. I remember having a straight forward opinion about nearly everything. I made the small choices often with more confusion than the larger ones, oddly enough. I’ve been told I was rather impulsive when I was younger. NOw I find myself in a quandary over most things- and when I am able to be decisive I revisit my thoughts on coming to the decision I made. Often couldn’t say what I would rather have or what color of garment I might like or what color to dye my hair. Now there is a topic! My hair… because it’s not been convenient, for my daughter to come and style it, I can’t figure whether I want it short and in a pixie or a bob- so I do nothing.
This is a common behavior in people I think. It’s when the weight of a decision seems so big that a person goes back and forth on it and does nothing. Most people don'[t get that it IS making a decision to choose to do nothing. I don’t want to live out the rest of my life that way. I want to design purposes and move forward to accomplish something for others. I want to be creative in the time I have left. I want to create something. I try to explain this and I am surprised when they say those little phrases that people say when they want someone to let it go. I do feel a sense of urgency. I know how unable disabled gets. I know what it is like to have no function but to lie there in this shell that you can’t move and can’t make it speak. I don’t want to spend what time may be left at that point thinking of all the should haves and the wish I hads. These days we are so aware of those around us who pass on too early. We know of people who through illness or injury lost their ability to live as they intended. For me there is not a fear of dying or death so much as the pain of regret that looms heavy in the distance just off of life’s stage. It’s the fear that I never made myself worthy of the life I was given. It’s the fear of leaving a lifetime of living undone. Somehow I will gather it up and take it one step at a time to begin this part of the journey I was given. I will have to think about what it is I feel is the most valuable thing to have accomplished in the time left to me. Oh it isn’t that my life will be so short. I have already lived a longer time than many. What I am thinking about though is the way these two diseases affect the body, the brain, the mind and emotions. A lot can happen and we can never fully know the color of the scenario lying before us. WHat I will do is to keep believing in the light that falls gently upon us all, giving our footsteps the light to know where we choose to place them We are given the strength and the wisdom to step carefully, step wisely, and step lively.