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Visits

I am the grandmother who visits…not often at all. I am hours away and can no longer drive. This past week though was a collaboration to help me visit for a few days.  My husband stayed home- to work and to care for our 4 greyhounds (All of whom getting older.) Our friend, Pete, came to our home on the days my husband wasn’t off a couple of times a day to let our furkids outside and to check on them, break up their days. (My husband is usually gone 12-16 hours, most often 14-16 hrs from door to door. My former husband (ex just seems so dismissive ) did me the huge favor of departing from his usual schedule- which was a very big deal if you were to know him, and gave me a ride- probably close to 3 and a half hours to get me and take me there and 2 and a half hours to get back to his place. He also bought me breakfast- ever the gentleman. Very kind of him. My daughters met us there on the last day for an overnight for my son’s birthday. And my youngest also brought me home which is out of her way by about 45 minutes. SO thank you to all involved. It was the second time all year I got down to see her and was the third or fourth time I got to see them all year. This is very hard. I miss them all. I fear they don’t realize how special they are to me. I try to tell them often. I try to do things that tell them. But my heart breaks over being the long distance grandmother. There is such a difference being the one nearby, the more physically active one. I feel there is such a great bond and trust between her and her nearby grandparents that I will never see her feel with me. It is as it is and I understand why they live there. I understand why they would not move her away from her extended family down where they live now. It is all in this understanding I always break down after we pull away from their home.

But there are so many special moments I have taken away from this visit.  I think of my other two children, both daughters and wonder if I will be alive to meet their children in this life- if they will be half a country away and I will see them rarely too. DOn’t get me wrong. I didn’t have my kids to keep them near- but to go out into the world to find their journeys and adventures, to become really good people who make the world a special place. I didn’t want them to feel they had to stay near, but that they would choose to always stay close- to my, to each other’s hearts.  ANd for the most part I’d say we all have that to some degree. I must bear that in mind when I feel these strong tugs on my soul. I have to do this by remembering what else is dear to me. I don’t want to mark time, waiting for that tap on the shoulder from death. I want to live out my life- every bit of the journey. I want to amaze me. It doesn’t matter what others think- if I am in a slump or a downhill spiral, or whether others think I should be acting appropriate. I have tried to walk that tightrope of keeping others happy and myself. I do hope some are pleased or feel at least that I have a purposeful existence but chances aren’t that both will find common ground. SOmehow listening to that little person with a HUGE personality saying a thousand little one sentence  phrases, sentences, witty  points of observations or suggestions reawoke my life . Once again I felt  hopes and dreams. I wasn’t even certain what they were. Ideas were flooding in through the gates that only a granddaughter was likely to open.  Just as I wasn’t certain what the Halloween visit with my granddaughter/son’s birthday/ ever beautiful wife of his visit would bring…(except for knowing he’d be getting a sinus infection of some sort -history- every birthday and holiday)  , I have no clue what exactly will be coming in my future – but it will be good!!!

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