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Last cookie twice in one week

This week I realized that my whole life I have been hesitant to eating the last cookie. This was never told to me to do as a matter of politeness. I am not quite certain why it has been that I have not done it. I have felt that I was not being generous. More so it was a matter of my feeling I might be selfish or taking something I didn’t deserve as much as someone else- or the opportunity for someone to have one who hadn’t eaten any yet. This may be understandable on some level but at 58 years of age, it would seem unlikely to have been the case every time for 58 years. SO this week at my granddaughter’s birthday party ,I took the big step and ate the last of the cookies one of my daughters had made. And it felt great!!
Fast forward a few days and I find in the cupboard one last cookie left in a box/ It’s a Kashi almond butter chocolate cookie. I nearly left it there. But remembering my freedom attained at the party on Sunday, I decide to roll with that again. Again it felt good. It was at that moment I thought back to something my kids pointed out years ago. It was a time we were making sugar cookies for the football team and cheerleaders for my daughter in high school. While we were making them and this time was a three person process, my daughters began to laugh uncontrollably as they remembered being teenagers before eating unburned cookies made at home. It wasn’t that I burned them all. We always were making them for someone, for an event or a team, or for company or for family. SO we kept the burned ones- which were mildly burned on the bottom and gave the good ones away.
Now I wonder if I did a disservice or transferred some sort of negative self worthiness to my kids. I would hope not. If anything, I would want my kids to go ahead and dive into experiences in this lifetime. Now I don’t want them to be careless but I do want them to realize they deserve to experiences the taste and smell and touch and sights and sounds of life. AM I the only one who has held herself back in this sense? Have I missed a part of living not to be recaptured? I just have stood back and while in my family, I likely would have been thought of as someone who has been a bit careless with risks but truly there are many ways in which I have held back. I guess if I were to take back something, it would have been to not be afraid to go ahead and have that last cookie. Dive into your lives. You only get this one.

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