Not a favorite activity of mine would be to take a health assessment with my husband peering right over my shoulder. Here’s the funny thing. It isn’t because I am hiding anything. It’s because he answers for me and if I disagree he tells me more adamantly to put his answer. I don’t know why it would bother me for this. There have been times I have definitely made it clear that I can still answer for myself- not dead yet. hahaha But with this it just wasn’t anything important and really didn’t matter what info I put it. Still today I found myself redoing it correcting those answers where I disagreed. You’ll be excited to know it changed my assessment by one , yes 1, whopping point. This makes me smile and shake my head at what a curious creature I am. We people are a piece of work, aren’t we?
Turns out this assessment thinks me healthier than I think of myself. There’s some nice news! It is clear that my bad points weigh heavier on my mind than they have a right to- even though they do deserve adequate attention to take care of them. Surprisingly enough I find myself more motivated to do something about these things which I have felt poorly about but haven’t made the changes for long enough to make a difference. I know better.
I miss my family and we talk of getting together soon. They are busy with work and health and their lives. I am stuck with no transportation. Sure I have a husband but he has work and chores and a house that cries out for changes on every one of his waking moments quite nearly. SO we all say we will do better. Again I know better.
I think of how I could be a productive member of society and contribute to our income better than this SSDI check. Some days I think I could take on something…others days I am flat on my back and not useful to even myself. I long to have my life back. I know better.
Never one to just roll over without finding a way to live my life “out loud” so to speak, I continue the search of projects and possibilities. My husband always tells me not to worry about it- just relax, get some rest. He ought to know better. It feels less of an option and more of a curse. (wow the times I thought that would be a welcome thing when it came times- to be able to be off the hamster wheel, to sleep at will.) Maybe it’s that feeling of urgency that reminds me we have only so many minutes, only so many breaths that I feel the need to get on with my life in a way that feels like living to me. Yes, I do hear myself. I totally get that I am judging myself by a parameter that I never measure another. I get that I need to look through a different lens if I am to find answers. Yet another part of me feels like that is not how it will be. After all life goes on as it does. My life is changed. There is no way around that when your body and brain, your mind is changed. You can hate it (and I do). You can feel angry or sad (and I have) but you can’t stay there because it is just a form of self pity or self obcession at the very least. No somehow I must remember who I am, where I have come from, and decide where I am determined to go in this lifetime. The answers will meet with resistance, with ridicule even. But there will be those who understand and that will feel encouragement enough. There are and will be those who will think I cannot. I know better.