Uncategorized

Happening to me?

There are a number of times I remember thinking or saying that.   I remember thinking I had just thought it out loud, so to speak. Sometime it was said in celebratory disbelief at the accomplishment . Other times it was crack in time  and not the best champions coming forward. Pretty forward and that much harder to ci== Do doctors even read these at the tablef Takle  Iotn      tAD     AH THAT’S IT. oNE TOO MANY BOTT  UGH!!! idk HOW THIS HAPPENS. aNY OLD KEYS TYPING IN. cAPS LOCK OFF THEN ON. sTRANGE SOUND.GOODNESS why does it have to be like this? It’s okay- I get it, life is hard. It is supposed to be. And I like a challenge. But this marathon just doesn’t end. No really, it goes on and on. There are the physical incoordinations, stumblings and falls, the  cost of doing various things that felt so good during them but after sitting down that huge cloud  usually just saved for my vision- literally.boring, jjjjjjj  Just like that- a lost random thing somesou set lose in my mind lets it flow right out of my hands andbefore I know it there are letters that don’t make words- just assorted  letters typed out next to each other posing as a word. ugh. The thought in my head never having made it out for whater new word applies. I get lost in what I want to say- whether writing or speaking. That is infuriating. Happens when I speak too. I’ll be having a conversation and a string of disconnected words or phrases hop out of my mouth before I can edit them out. And they aren’t even related to the topic- not remotely.. This is very embarassing and impossible to cover up. Then people are looking at me as I must have lost my mind.They may not be far off on that one.

 

Standard
Uncategorized

Seems to me…

In all of this I never was so surprised as to have thought that anything was so unexpected… and yet in a sense it all has been. It is true that with age, time goes much more wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww oops nodded off again. There you go that’s unexpected by me. Ha! Unless you’re my husband waiting again for the rest of the thought and knowing that once sleep even in its briefest form touched my brain the slate would be yet again clear of any hope to recover the subject. The words jam up tripping over eachother  in an frantic attempt to be heard before there is no chance.

I’m told the good thing is that from here on out things just gradually slide downhill – with fewer dramatic plunges left to recover from. The bad news is there is no effective  meds at this stage with the praised laurels others receive. That’s okay. I did my part in providing information by trying that  medication. It hadn’t gone as hoped. And now I am through with it. This will be an opinion to be contended with. But it is what it is. It is as it is. I did try to change that. Now it will become someone else’s  mirror. Mine had shattered and is reforming. New horizons or a new view. A new day awaits and I will not keep time at its feet. I will march along to the music in my heart… it is the one that has to matter most .  Tomorrow  a pricking , a reminder that it isn’t ongoing, that this life is finite and t I will  climb the hills to my best of ability.  There really is very little bu Just help me keep my head above. I’m told that all that is  as it is meant to be,  To a better morrow.                                                                                                                                                    this                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Rejoice in this day                                                                                                                                                                                                                Celebrate the gifts and the struggles…therein lies your character and there  in lies your peace.

Standard
Uncategorized

Thought we were

Why is it that when sleep taunts me, exhausted, and cold- perhaps from wading through the cold waters that are my only chance left to clear thinking and following logic engage in a tug of war over the pieces of yesterday still being something between mere memory and  quite nearly  the spare bits of a puzzle found at the bottom of  a puzzle? Is it my body trying to keep me awake for some yet misunderstood cause? Or is it my mind refusing to turn off or to relinquish control to the unconscious ruling the path tht may randomly come up? Or is it the fear of what may be missing should I let my mind slip into the comfort and solace that sleep ought to be? Is it the fear, like the character in Fifty first dates (or whatever the title is) where the lady who was in a violent mva finds her memory completely taken of  what her miind labels as recent memory? SHe is so strongly loved by a man who  refuses to be pushed aside  or lost in yesterday when wanting  today, a tomorrow so hemakes videos explaining the parts of her life that she’s lived and of those she’s come to love. It is a heart rendering  emotional journey and now at this point of my own journey, it hits home close enough to be frightening and yet giving me some type of hope if someone is present as time goes on. But part of this nightly navigation of only partial sleep isn’t my fearing to sleep standing to lose more of my life, more of myself , or whether I will slip from an occasional strange and unexplainable behavior into an onslought from which I will not be able to climb out of. My great fear is the possibility of putting my life to rest before my body is ready and to possibly cause another human being in  danger. The ads on the television make it seem so easy.  It’s all so clear cut on there and the answer seems so easily attainable and effective. I am finding this end of things to be neither. Of course nothing so bizarre as that “slep walking” event where I painted with pepto bismol on various objects , moved things about to unreasonable and unlikely places. It was the total having been moving without my knowing and what to do in regards to the pet care. their meds or my own meds. All very scary stuff. And I travel between not wanting another person to know or to be “caught” in another episode and wanting, needing it to be known and understood by the doctors so we slow this part of my brain’s decline. We  never know the fullness of what tomorrow will bring. ANd now I struggle to paint hope into the still moments of a day, of a night. I must choose from shades of promise mfor a meaningful ecistence yet to be added to in a positive way. It IS more than a wish, a hope. It is what makes tomorrow worth w aking up for, wouldn’t you think so?

Standard
Uncategorized

Not again. not already. Dear God not now.

There are alot of things that these words are really appropriate for in my life. I think of things like these, it isn’t that I wonder whether I would be  judged or how I’d fare such a thing. No my thoughts go instead to do other people and whether they might ever breathe a sigh of relief to know that one other person in this universe is actually saying these thoughts…thoughts we just don’t talk about. Okay some do and many take action on it. Sometimes I have and others I side stepped it. We can pick apart the hows and whys of it- but in the way we see what we have lived or has seen other proof  we use to determine our footsteps . We can keep targets for what we want to expect But to some extent nature gets involved. Nature who will be a slave to no one- but is a willing educator to those wise enough to pay attention.

SO let’s move on into some actual incidents, actual occurances and examples. Bear in mind I am not a doctor. I was once many years ago in what feels like a far. Let’s start with something fairly easy . Who hasn’t heard this phrase after hearing someone’s misfortune or catistrophic even only to have someone comment, ” Oh could it have happened at a worse time? Now in a less reserved time , I’d have felt obligated  to explain that there was no better time actually . Now that my filter has all but completely left, it’s a very scary thing to say in front of me. Thankfully I have been more inclined of course to just not communicate, to shut it down and not verbally respond at all. That way I don’t hurt someone in being too blunt.  We tend to forget how the we let our environment carry us among a system of advantage, making all that is shallow and trivial into a horrific event. We tend to forget that this beautiful life process is based on the balance of the cycle of life- which includes some very difficult (physically and emotionally). There are great heights and awful heart wrenching lows. There are times the we cry for others and times we cry for ourselves. And there are times we are reminded the conditions most of the people on our planet, facing a harder life than we can imagine. We haven’t known  the horrors of war at our doorstep, the sounds of war  throughout the night and day continuously. Now we’ve heard this before. But the next time your pets hide from the sounds from thunder or a truck backfiring, or vehicles slamming across potholes, think about their state as a militia approaches then street by street conflicts. It’s a terrifying prospect. SO when someone says what could be worse- there is plenty…take a pick. More to come. Meanwhile sound off  or defend even

Standard
Uncategorized

Didn’t know i was planting

Looking from where I am now to that date when I could wait no longer when I was finally knew that whatever this was had become larger than I could ever have imagined.My elders taught me alot. I think what I missed recognizing or fully processing was how life sneaks up on you.Or could it be time using its influence tricking its travelers into complacency until one day their eyes open? It truly does not seem possible that I have come to this point in my life. My youth in all its reckless abandon and vulnerability still breathe within me yet all is changed. I am changed. I could mourn the passing of hours of love and laughter, of curiosity, The   truth is what a harsh reality presents itself as old friends pass, and children grou up  along with their innocence they pass surge ahead into their adulthood. It is their steeds they now mount  and off they go on their own journeys with their own intellects, their own hopes and dreams, the own skills and abilities, their own passions. There is little to be done for them or about them They will walk their paths with the energy belonging only to the young. They will look at us and see old people, Some will watch in wonder of lives so ancient and all that these eyes and wrinkles so telling of that many footsteps. They will take up the errors of their parents and make the best of a broken world. They will hug on in the love of all about them. SO much will get put off into tomorrow into the embrace of “when we get time” until one day time arrives with no subtlty  at all. It blasts through doors , through crowded spaces and in solitude, and through dreams themselves One day they too will look out of a window and see their children no longer there. They will replay and rethink a million decisions made meant for the best of their young. When one will burst into the silence for their moment. They will tell their parents of something that was said or done and at your surprize there will be a confession it was learned at your knee wihtout you even have known such a thing occurred.  On God’s good graces this world turns with no help from us, not qany of us, not one generation. God’s good graces thankfully have ;asted a very long time and if prayers count for anything will continue long enough for man to replace his selfishness with wisdom… perhaps the wisdom learned from unknowing parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents… the whole village.                                       ,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     hundred of

d

7

Standard
Uncategorized

When I was young, I thought that if I were alive at this age, that things would be so different   than they are. If I saw this back then, I’d think at  that is some kind of a joke. I had always seen myself as the healthy strong one. I would have seen myself as working a very long time- after all with the kids out of the house what would i have envisioned myself doing with all that time? Just as I grown up to see women with no husband as being sad people. I didn’t see them as unworthy of that kind of love. I just thought how sad it all seemed. I couldn’t imagine being alone like that. Now women without a husband but with children, they didn’t seem as sad or lonely to me. After all they had known that kind of love- romance. As in my naeivity I believed the conception of a child most assuredly had to have happened out of a dear romantic love. But to have neither children living with her ,nor a spouse, well that just seemed so empty . When in fact it was a life quite fully lived. Of course that still in and of itself feels lonely… the lived part. It means it’s past, behind her…behind me. Ah well then surely I’d take every advantage to spend my life in a purposeful fashion. Perhaps as a nurse in a mission somewhere or  in the Peace Corp. Or maybe being active politically. I could have seen me taking on a had been  a colorful career but by many it would seems so cause. I could see me in an adventure with my fellow Green Peace or on the ranges in the west striking blows to help the wild remain as such with the majestic horses to roam freely. At the very least I’d have an animal sanctuary, wouldn’t I? Okay well then if not that, wouldn’t I be living at the shore finding my soul enriched by the sights and sounds I had begun my adult life ? I’d have maintained my dear friends from that time and be spending time making music with my friends and enjoying the Jersey Pines and the sea shorel Yet here i was a state away- not to work in a particular facility or in a specialty or in cancer research as I once thought I would… a professional goal. No I never did attain that. No here I sit writing a blog I can barely see My body fights with me at every turn. I have been put out to pasture professionally.I am of no more use – as who wants a nurse who tires out so quickly, whose memory is in such question, who can barely see a syringe let alone read it, Who needs a nurse who cannot walk for any distance- whose best hurry speed is something surely a 4 yrs old could out run? No I had to let go of those things as time took charge wherever allowed. Had I not fought hard enough. I tried to stay in the field as I felt the onslaught for decades of what would one day be running inch by inch matching and over taking my strides. I had given it a run- a good run. By many standards it was insufficient and unfocused, undriven..too given to the winds to channel it at will. And it was, in terms of keeping it in the place of my life’s work. I had let that go for a family and music and lost focus financially. So here I am in the remnants of a lifetime of intended  accomplishment. Had I saved anyone? Had I made a difference at all/ These are the questions I wrestle with in looking back.

I never was the kind of mother women stood in awe of wondering how they juggled it all and had raised super children. I hadn’t given them the childhood they deserved to have had. And I was so fortunate to have had children so smart in and of themselves that academically they carried themselves to where they felt compelled. I have a beautiful granddaughter who I rarely see- what with the distance and my no longer able to drive. (That part makes me angry.)

My husband’s kids have grown up in the ways they deemed best as grown kids do. They both have beautiful children we rarely see- we don’t truly know. This I feel has been a sad failure on my part- to not have been more of a part of their lives.

The great novel will in all likelihood not be written by this gal. I would be lucky to read it- written by anyone. These hands no longer cooperating and I I am not inclined to just sit back content that I have taken the mare up in the pasture as high as she was meant to travel. I won’t believe this race is yet run. I refuse to believe there is no more than this already. It isn’t the length. It is though the fact that with more time left i will not see it as having been lived in its entirety- that I should just sit and wait for death’s cold hand to guide me on. NO that is not how I will end this life’s journey. I may stumble and fall alot. I may have to rely on wheels more than I care to- but I am not signing off. Not this life- not on my watch. SO if it may hold enough meaning for you to want to go along then be swift, we’ve not a moment to spare!!

Standard